Dear bra industry,

First, I should start by issuing an apology to my male readers.  There are only a handful of you and obviously, today this isn’t about you.  Sorry for the awkwardness.  Shield your eyes, come back tomorrow and we’ll talk football.  Deal?

For the rest of you, this might also be TMI.  But I have a real problem here, and I’m hoping for either

A) one of you to have a great solution for me, or

B) someone in the bra industry to read this and help a girl out.

Because girlfriend is in serious need of help.

Once upon a time, I weighed about 80 pounds soaking wet and I was flat chested and I wished I wasn’t so boyish looking.  I am paying the price for that wish now, being forced to carry around breast enough for 2 (or 3) women.  It’s not what I thought it would be.  It’s quite disappointing, actually.

They’re heavy, they hurt when I run, and it’s downright impossible to dance with House of Pain these days.

They make me look like a whale.

I mean, if you’re a busty girl then your options are to buy something big enough for your chest which then is way too big everywhere else, giving you that super-sought-after tent look, or to buy something that fits elsewhere but is then stretched to obscenity over your chest.  The obscenity pretty much speaks for itself, and it doesn’t say what I want to be saying at my kids’ soccer games, if you know what I mean.

Bathing suit options?  Ouch.

And bras?  They are the absolute stupid worst of it all.

I live in a small town and I am not classy.  I have no interest in Victoria’s Secret since the last time I was in there Catie squealed with delight over all of the little dresses that were ‘just her size’, and burst into tears when I wouldn’t let her try one on.

That was fun.

I’d like to be able to walk into Wal-Mart and buy a bra.  But when I tried that, I found this:

Ironically, it is called ‘stylish support’. 

Are we even seeing the same thing?

Stylish how, exactly?  It’s a tank!  It’s full body armor, and no scrap of lace can make that any more attractive.  I am aware that it is an undergarment and it shouldn’t matter what it looks like, but yeah… it kinda does to me.  If I have to carry these babies around all the time, I need a little something to take the sting out of it.  The granny bra just ain’t cutting it.  And also, if you need more than one D it starts in size 38, which is not what I need.

You hear a lot about how most women are wearing the wrong size bra to begin with, so I went to a fancy-schmancy specialty store to be fitted properly.  Turned out I needed smaller around and bigger cups, making my already challenging fit darn near impossible.  They recommended a few styles that were even pretty cute.  But at $150 a pop, they ought to be.  I’m continuing to live with spillage for now.

Dear bra industry,

Do you understand that I have to wear these things every. day.? Because it doesn’t seem like you do.  I know that isn’t a lot of money to the Playboy bunnies, but for the rest of us unfortunately proportioned middle-American housewives, that stings. It stings like salt rubbed into an already gaping ‘I can’t afford breast reduction surgery’ wound.  I mean, I wear underwear every day too, and I pay about3 bucks a pair for that.  Could you make me something approaching that price range?

A friend recommended a site to me with better prices (though still just under $100 each) but the dumb thing is called ‘Big Girls Bras’.  Are you kidding me with that crap?  Did you name your store while intoxicated? I refuse to shop there on principle.

SO, my well-endowed readers…where do you shop?  Do you suck it up and pay the insane prices?  (And if so, do you do laundry every night, or do you actually pay that multiple times over?)  Has anyone ever found a circumference less than 38 with a cup size larger than D in a regular store?  And where do you buy a sports bra that fits and stays down where it belongs?

And most importantly, will any of you ever be able to think of me in the same way again, or have I crossed the crazy line and now your mental eyes will always be picturing boobs instead of reading what I type?

I have no idea why I laid it all out here so uncharacteristically, but I’m blaming it on desperation and lack of sleep.  Hopefully I won’t regret this in the morning.