On my heart today

If you need prayer, I might not be your girl.

Sounds terrible, right?

I don’t mean it to, honestly.  I would be happy to pray for you, whatever burden you are carrying.  The problem with me is, chances are, I’m not praying the way you’d like me to be praying.

On Wednesday nights, our church has ‘Go! night’, where folks break off into different teams.  Some go out on home visits, some send cards to shut-ins, some have a bible study, and some pray for the prayer requests we have received.  I’ve been going to the prayer group, but every week I first find myself praying about whether or not I belong there. 

I don’t consider myself a prayer warrior.  I pray fervently, but I also pray differently. 

I question if different is better.

Many years ago, a tragedy struck our family.  The kind that shakes you to your very core, and changes who you are forever.  The kind of thing that is virtually unspeakable, because the words bring more pain than one can bear.

When we were in the midst of this, I cried.  I sobbed with the kind of gut-wrenching wails that sound inhuman, and I prayed more and prayed harder than I ever have in my life.  I was desperate, and terrified, and unable to do anything but pray.  I begged for a different outcome.  I begged for something to change.  I pleaded for a miracle.  As desperate people do, I asked that I be taken instead.

The outcome remained the same.

I was not taken. 

And although I now have three beautiful daughters who would not be here had my ‘deal’ been accepted – I still mourn that loss.

I still can’t talk about it.  Still can’t find the words to offer comfort to those who need it most.

I know that is selfish of me, and I am ashamed of that.

Hopelessly Flawed.

My faith was not shaken by this event.  They say when tragedy strikes, it either destroys faith or makes it stronger.  It made my faith stronger.  But it also made me realize that I need to change the way I pray.  Change the things that I pray for.

It isn’t easy to do.  It’s human nature to pray for what we want.

Please God, help me find a better job.

Please God, let us get that new house we want.

And there’s nothing wrong with that, per se.  The Bible does not tell you to keep your thoughts to yourself!  Scripture tells us that God knows your heart.  He knows your desires, your secrets, your burdens.  He wants a relationship with you.  He wants you to bring everything to Him – everything.

Yet I can’t seem to do that anymore.  I’m not trying to hold back, but I am trying to reshape my heart.

I’m trying to let go of what I want, and want what He wants instead.

I don’t pray for a specific outcome anymore – I pray for His will to be done.  I don’t pray for healing, I pray for courage.  I don’t pray for a lighter load, I pray for a stronger back.

I feel bad about this sometimes.  A friend will ask me to pray for something, and instead of praying for what they want, I pray for God’s hand to be in their situation.  That isn’t exactly the same, is it? 

I’m still weighing this, whether I should switch to a different team.  And I’m still praying about it.  And I’m still happy to pray for you, too.

Just as long as you can accept that we don’t always get what we want.

Sometimes our kids really ARE smarter than we are

From the first day of school, Annie has been coming home with stories about Sammy. He seemed a bit ornery, that Sammy. Impulsive, always getting into little jams, and earning the not-so-distinguished honor of being the first child in Ms. Kristen’s room to lose their green light. I don’t know why, but somehow I’ve always envisioned little Sammy as high-spirited rather than naughty. (Possibly because I hope that’s how people will view Catie when she gets to school!)

Yesterday Annie’s Sammy story was sad. He told Evelyn that he would not be her friend because he does not like her. Seeing as how Annie and Evelyn have been BFFs since they met last week, this did not suit Annie very well. She said that Evelyn started to cry, and she told her not to be sad because she loved her and she was her bestest friend in the whole world. She said that cheered her up a little, but Annie was still concerned about the whole situation. Over dinner last night she asked me what she should do when something like that happened.

I wasn’t really sure what to say. In my head I admit to thinking ‘Kick him’, but it was very fleeting and only slightly serious. I told her that in my experience, people who say mean things usually do it because they are hurting on the inside. And that while I don’t always know the right things to say, I try to remember that and treat them with love. She didn’t say very much after that, but when she said her prayers last night she prayed that Evelyn would be strong and not have her feelings hurt, and that Sammy would learn nice words to say. I kissed her and told her that was sweet. As I started to leave the room, Annie told me that she figured out what to say to Sammy if he says bad things again.

“Oh yeah baby, what’s that?”

“Jesus love you Sammy, and so do I.”

Yet again this child, this amazing child, has humbled me. What else could one possibly say that would be any better?

One of my biggest fears about Annie going to school was situations just like this. Everything in her world has been sunshine and roses, and I’d like to keep it pristine for as long as possible. I’m sad that this sort of thing is already happening in the second week of Kindergarten. But I am so encouraged by my daughter’s response to it.

I think every parent believes that their child will change the world – someday. Last night was the first time I realized that my little girl was already out there doing it.

So last night, and again today, every time I think of them I am praying for Sammy and for Annie. And if you can spare a moment or two, I’d love for you to do so as well. Annie asked me last night if I prayed for her while she was at school and I said yes.

“Well then could you say two prayers tomorrow? Because I’m kind of nervous.”

“Absolutely baby. And remember that God is always with you, ok?”

My little kindergarten missionary. I couldn’t be more proud of her.

Hug your kids extra tight today

Steven Curtis Chapman has always been one of my favorite musicians, and in December 2007 I was able to see him up close when we attended the Moms Panel training session. It was a highlight of the trip for me.

Today I am heartbroken over the headline that his family has suffered a terrible tragedy.

AP News story

This radio interview is especially heartbreaking to hear in light of recent events. And here is the song he is talking about:

Cinderella

I can’t imagine the pain of losing a child. Add to that the pain of having to comfort one child while mourning the loss of another – it’s just unbearable.

My thoughts and prayers are with this family, and I hope that yours will be as well.