Comfortably Ever After

If you could put any three people in a room together (along with yourself), who would they be and why?

This is a conversation that I recently listened to but did not participate in, primarily because at the time I was busy dying of pneumonia and completely unconcerned with anything other than the small chuck of lung I’d just coughed up.  The responses were interesting and varied -

James Garrison, Lee Harvey Oswald, and Jackie O ['she had to know something!']

Abe Lincoln, Ronald Reagan, and Barack Obama

Barbra Streisand, Liza Minnelli, Bette Midler

Yes, there was a gay man in on this conversation, and no, he didn’t pick the three you’re thinking.

Later, as I lay on the sofa barely clinging to life, I thought about this question and realized that as much as I might enjoy talking to these people individually [well ok, some of these people], the group convo didn’t really interest me.

Yesterday, I realized what three people I’d like to bring together. None famous – yet, anyway. None rich and powerful. Just three dear friends that have never met, but need each other.

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Bob is a friend I’ve had for more than half of my life, and I love him dearly. He’s in his late 30′s, good job, relatively debt-free, and a real catch. He’s good looking, he’s smart, he’s funny… and he might just marry a woman for all the wrong reasons. When he told me a few weeks ago that he was thinking of proposing I was stunned. We’d just talked about how she was ‘fine’. Comfortable. Easy to be around. You know, all the ‘good enough for right now’ phrases you could use to describe someone you’d date for a while, until someone better came along.

Bob would tell you that he doesn’t care about love – he’s perfectly content to fly solo. He’s not interested in romance. He’s practical, and he doesn’t get emotional – he makes decisions with his head. I disagree. If Bob were really happy on his own and he didn’t care about love, he wouldn’t be proposing. He’d be hanging out.

Instead, he’s willing to live comfortably ever after with a woman who is… ‘nice’.

And there’s a lot to be said about companionship, for sure. But a marriage that is solely based on it? I wish he could talk to Jen.

Jen is currently living in that ‘comfortable’ state, having married her college boyfriend when it was time to get married. He was nice enough, everyone expected it, she really did want to marry and have kids… So 15 years later, Jen has the kids… and a roommate.

They live separate lives, which is understandable since they had no passion to connect them in the first place. They even watch tv in separate rooms, so you can imagine where they’re sleeping. They’re like ships passing in the night, with nothing more to say to one another than information exchange.

‘Sam got an A on his history test’

‘Kelly needs to be picked up from dance at 4′

‘Did you pay the water bill?’

All of their time is spent separately, and Jen deeply regrets her decision to settle for ‘good enough’. She tells me there is no pain more deep than being lonely when you’re not alone. And I’d imagine her husband might feel the same… if he cared enough to talk about it. Whereas she is devastated and wants to make her marriage better, he is fine with what they have, miserable or not. He doesn’t care enough to work on improving it, and he shows no signs of leaving. So there they are… stuck.

I wish Jen could talk to Lisa, who has been there and done that. She too once married Mr. Right-on-Paper, only to find out several years and 2 kids down the road that what’s right on paper doesn’t translate well to what works in life. Mr. Right started feeling very wrong, especially after he left her and the kids for someone ‘better’. [No surprise, that someone better has been replaced a couple of times over by now]

Lisa was destroyed. A twenty-something young woman with 2 small children, a ‘career’ as a stay-at-home mom, and a sudden need to be the sole support for 3 people…she was overwhelmed. Terrified. And absolutely certain that the rest of her life would suck.

But God had another plan for Lisa, and along came Bill. A man who loved her and her children as if they were his own. A man who treated her like a princess, who adored her every quirk, who loved her in a deep and meaningful way. She was stunned to know that men like this even existed, and as the cliched song goes, she thanked God for the broken road it took to get her there. Lisa and Bill married of course, and have added two more children (and a cat) to their brood, and today have one of the happiest, most solid marriages I have ever seen.

Three people. One similar decision.

I wish they could talk to one another and really hear. Really listen.

But that rarely happens, right? We have our reasons and we justify them.

It’s good to marry for practical reasons and not passionate ones, because passion fades!

I’m 38 years old and I want to get married. I want to have kids. It’s now or never!

Of course we won’t always have intense feelings – that’s normal! Comfortable is a good thing!

Until it isn’t.

Oh Bob.

I wish you could understand that once hindsight becomes 20/20, it’s too late.

I wish you could feel what it’s like to walk in Jen’s shoes.

I wish you knew how incredibly rare it is to find an ending like Lisa’s.

Comfortable doesn’t cut it, my friend.

I hope you see that before it’s too late.

Don’t settle.

You deserve more… and so does she.

Fireproof/Love Dare Giveaway!

My husband and I were lucky enough to have a date this past Saturday night. We’ve had about, oh, maybe 3 of those since Annie was born 6 years ago, so this was a real treat. The church had a dinner and movie night with free childcare, so we took them up on the offer and were able to see Fireproof. If you haven’t yet, I highly recommend it. I was touched by the movie, and inspired by the story behind it. A nerd at heart, I always love to dig into the background, and this is an amazing story. Grab a cup of tea and read on!

For those who may not be familiar, Sherwood Baptist Church in Albany, Georgia is the driving force. In fact, they were once upon a time the only force. It all started in 2002, with an associate pastor at the church, Alex Kendrick, and $20,000 in donations. Relying on the time, talents, and generosity of their congregation, they set out to make a movie. In 2003 Flywheel, their first effort, was released. Facing the Giants followed in 2006.

Movies with a positive, Christian outlook on life are rare. Usually when Christianity is mentioned it is in reference to a crazy person, to make fun of believers, or to push the secular agenda that God doesn’t exist. So refreshing to see an honest, accurate portrayal of Christianity and the journey we are on.

These movies were made in a most amazing way. The actors are all unpaid volunteers. Ditto for the stage crew, the caterers, the laborers…everyone donated their time. Flywheel was shot with a single digital video camera, on a homemade dolly and crane. No sets were constructed – church members volunteered their own homes and businesses.

Along with his brother Stephen, the Kendricks comprise the creative core of more
than 500 church members who participate in making the movies. Alex and
Stephen, both associate pastors at Sherwood Baptist, hatched the idea to make
movies nearly six years ago after reading a George Barna poll that said movies
influenced Americans more than the church. “That really grieved us,” Stephen
Kendrick remembers. “We said to our church, ‘We can either curse the darkness or turn on a light.’ I am a firm believer that we should not be overcome by evil but we should overcome evil with good.”

“When we proposed to the church that we go in this direction, it is crazy how many things came together,” Alex Kendrick adds. “People would walk in unannounced and say, ‘We heard you were doing a movie. What do you need?’ They would ask us if we needed money. We said yes. They gave without reservation. Other people offered to sew, cook, or let us use their house or business out of the blue. When that kind of stuff starts happening you can’t give anybody any credit but God.”

The next time around, they had word-of-mouth on their side. Many more volunteers lined up to help, and the money from the first film allowed them to rent more professional movie equipment for Facing The Giants. 6 weeks of filming, again using one camera, and again dependant on the donations and generosity of church and community members. Facing the Giants was a success, and attracted even more attention to their mission.

Enter Fireproof. By far the most critically acclaimed of their films, this movie also had the widest theater release of the 3. This is thanks in no small part to Kirk Cameron, a devout Christian who was so inspired by Facing the Giants that he very generously volunteered to star in Fireproof – for free. (Ever heard of another Hollywood actor doing that?) Another decidedly UN-Hollywood aspect of the movie, as quoted from the website:

In a romantic scene in FIREPROOF, lead actor Kirk Cameron is actually kissing
his wife Chelsea rather than Erin Bethea, who plays Catherine. Chelsea was flown
in from Los Angeles just for that shot.

The scene was filmed in silhouette and works incredibly well, with Chelsea wearing the same outfit and a wig to mirror Erin. Sherwood Pictures has upheld this standard in all their movies: actors and actresses should guard their own marriages while on screen the same way they would do in real life. That’s why you don’t see Coach Taylor (Facing the Giants) or Jay Austin (Flywheel) kissing the women playing the on-screen wives.

Kirk also has long held to a principle that he would kiss no woman other than Chelsea. He was able to honor his marriage while making a movie that inspires others to do
the same.

Fireproof is the story of a marriage in peril, and one man’s journey to save it. Before filing for divorce, his father asks him to commit to a 40-day ‘Love Dare’. For 40 days, he follows the simple instructions in the book, one day at a time, and finds a way to save his marriage.

“This is such an important movie,” says Cameron, who in addition to acting,
has his own ministry called Way of the Master. “Today, we live in a society where
the meaning of love has almost been entirely lost. We reduce love to a quick and easy feeling, something we fall into effortlessly. When that feeling is gone we bail out and find something else to give us that feeling again. God has designed marriage to be a lifelong process of learning how to selflessly give yourself to someone else. That is where character is built. That is where faith is forged.”

“The whole idea of Fireproof is that it’s not that a marriage will never go through trials or fire but when fire comes or trials come it can withstand it,” Alex Kendrick explains. “This is what we mean by being fireproof. It also has a spiritual connotation. The only way you and I can be spiritually fireproof is through Jesus Christ. The only way our marriages can be fireproof is when they are dedicated and lived out using biblical principles.”

We were truly blessed by this movie, and I hope you will be as well. Please take the time to see it. No matter how good your marriage may be, there is always room for improvement. And in that vein, I’d like to bless your marriage as well, with a little commitment from you of course.

I am offering a free copy of the Love Dare to one lucky reader. Just leave me a comment about why you liked this movie, or how the Love Dare would benefit you, and you are eligible! Don’t forget to leave an email address where I can contact you. Winner will be drawn at random, and entries must be received by Thursday, February 12 at midnight EST. Good luck!