What Google loves about Me

It’s been heavy around here lately – time to lighten up.

One of my favorite things to do in the middle of the night when I’m the only one I know awake is to look at my random blog stats.  Google Analytics both intrigues and horrifies me with the amount of dirt they can glean from our casual web usage.  It’s very 1984 if I think about it too much, which I try not to do.  I’m mainly in it for the fluff.

Amusing discoveries this week:

Certain search terms that lead people here don’t really surprise me.  DIY projects lead the pack far and away, most being people looking for plans to make my kids cubby, washer/dryer pedestals, flower boxes, or dormer desk.

These are followed closely by Handy Manny Birthday Cake seekers.

Also, my “What the heck is going on with Handy Manny” post continues to be a hit, with 137 different search terms leading people to that post.  (Most being fellow parents wondering if Mr. Lopart is gay. My money continues to be on flaming.)  Seriously, I get emails about this one weekly. You’re welcome, fellow frustrated parents.  There are also searches about the disproportionate number of wheelchairs on the show, and even one very odd “Mr. Lopart rifle caliber for long distance” search.  Did Mr. Lopart bust out of the closet wielding a gun?  Not sure what that one’s about, but something tells me we’ve missed an episode.

For the most part I can tell what brought someone here, but occasionally I’m completely baffled. Take, for instance, “head taller spanking boy” I’m at a loss. Complete loss.

“Annoying requests for virtual hearts, hugs, love, etc” – Oh I can see why you were led here. Pull up a chair.

But “Wet white tshirt in the rain”, surely you must be in the wrong place. Oh no, wait – I actually was that stupid.

“scented Heather Roberts in Mississippi” – hmmmm. I’ve never lived in Mississippi – must be a different Heather.  Wonder what she smells like?

“Does Sheetrock Hills use money?” – You’ve come to the right place. And the answer appears to be no.

“Complete failure as a housewife” – I’m going to try not to be offended here and just move down the list.

“Eulogy I could give for my Grams” – OH.MY.GOODNESS. Is there actually someone out there who stole the eulogy I gave my Grama?  I have no words.

“Pochron Rices Landing” – Since my hometown has about 200 people, I can definitely narrow down who Googled this one.

“Honda transmissions suck balls” – HA! Well I wouldn’t have said it quite that way, but yes. Yes they do.

“indische kleuren muren” – I had to Google to find out that this means “Indian colored walls”.  Which apparently people in The Netherlands believe that I have – good to know.

“needle broke off in finger” – oooh, good one! I’d almost forgotten about that!

“messy home pictures with children” – Again, no offense taken. Really.

“thank you for being so thoughtful and remembering my birthday” – Agreed.  Thank you Darcie.

“I can’t do the splits like I used to” – um… yeah honey, me either.  Though to the best of my recollection, I’ve never publicly admitted that. {until now, naturally}

What’s really odd to me is that I can’t even replicate these.  If I Google wet white t-shirts, I get a whoooooole lot of other results, but not moi.  Who, just for the record, has never taken nor posted a picture of herself wearing a wet t-shirt of any color, thankyouverymuch.

Although I did discover last week that Googling my name does bring up an, um, interesting image.  Which is completely and totally not me.  But go ahead, you know you want to.  If you know my married name, you’ll find it in the top row.  Not me.  Not me.

Update: Thanks to my mother, who likes to show off how much more internet savvy she is than I am on a regular basis, I now know that I couldn’t replicate these results because the all-knowing Google machine somehow takes into account who you are and what your internet habits are, and they don’t show everyone the same search results. Thanks mom.  Not only did you clear that up for me, but you also made Google seem infinitely more freaky all-knowing.  Awesome.