I’ve been really bummed about not being able to go to Blissdom. I’ve actually never gone to a blogging conference (Although after hearing about BlogHer last summer, I wasn’t so disappointed that I missed out on all that drama). Besides all of the learning opportunities (Getting Published workshop, I’m looking at you), Harry Connick, Jr. will be there. Harry! Y’all know how much I adore Harry. And my dear friend Darcie will be there. Since we live on opposite sides of the country, our chances to meet up are few and far between (Namely, WDW every October). And on top of all of those good reasons to go, the conference is right in my backyard! It’s in Nashville, city that I love, and oh-so-conveniently located for me. So close, and yet so far.
Alas, because of some unexpected bumps in the road of life, our disposable income is, um, less-than-plentiful these days. We’re more in trip cancellation mode than trip planning mode. I’m not bitter about it, but I am disappointed. So when I heard that Mom in the City was giving away a Blissdom pass, I decided to give the dream of Blissdom one more shot. As such, this is my entry in her giveaway – wish me luck!
The theme of Blissdom 2010 is “Follow Your Bliss.”
2009 was a year full of challenges for me. Unfortunately the year began with my beloved grandmother’s death. We were very close – she was like a second mother to me – so this was an emotionally devastating event. I am very fortunate to know that she was a Christian, and that she is in heaven with my grandfather right now, so my profound grief is also mingled with joy. After her death I blogged about her, and about choosing happiness. Because I do believe that happiness is a choice. You don’t always feel it; sometimes you have to deliberately choose to be happy. Over and over again.
I spent a lot of last year choosing to be happy, in spite of my sense of loss. In spite of the Grama shaped hole in my heart. And then last fall, another devastating blow came in the form of a medical prognosis for my husband. A very overwhelming diagnosis, and a future that is very uncertain.
I will be happy, I will be happy.
Fake it ’till you feel it.
I wish I could say that I’m feeling it. That I’m not still faking. But I’d be lying.
I’m an optimist by nature. When I have a few pounds to lose, I appreciate living in a country where food is so plentiful. When the kids are sick, I’m thankful that it’s pneumonia and not cancer. As the medical bills pile up, I’m grateful that we are alive and here to worry about them.
And worry isn’t the right word, really. I’m not a worrier. One of my favorites quotes is, “You can tell the size of your God by the length of your worry list. The longer your list, the smaller your God.”
I serve a big God.
And I know that God’s hand is in our situation, just as it always is. I know that God is watching over us and providing for us, in good times and bad. I know that others have it far worse than we do.
I am trying to be faithful. But it’s hard not to be fearful. It’s hard not to think about what the future might hold. This is a constant struggle.
2009 was largely spent choosing to be happy. Choosing to find Bliss, even when it was lurking in the shadows. Choosing to accept the flicker of candlelight, when a spotlight on my path would have been easier. Choosing to believe that true Bliss will come again one day, and faking Bliss until it does.
I do not know what 2010 will hold. I wish I could say that something has changed, but it hasn’t. My husband’s medical condition remains the same. I write this on the 1-year anniversary of my Grama’s passing. Maybe that’s significant. Maybe this is a day that, down the road, I will look back on as a turning point. I hope so.
For now, the future is uncertain. I am grateful to know that whatever it holds, I have a Savior who will carry me through it all.
And that’s enough.
That’s where my Bliss lies. Today and forever, in Him.
Jesus, bring the rain.