What I’ve Learned This Week

This is what we call beating a dead horse.

Remember the meanie that Annie was dealing with?

I talked to her father yesterday.  It is worth noting that her father is also the coach of this team.

Call me crazy, but I think the coach should be setting a higher standard for behavior, starting with himself and his child.  But this is not the case.

Phone call.

Me: Annie and [your daughter] are not getting along. I know that Annie is sensitive, but she’s been crying before every practice and game for the past 2 weeks.  I’ve tried to help her find ways to avoid or change the situation, but it is not working out.  [Your daughter] is calling her names and telling her to shut up.  I cannot keep sending her back to an environment like that, so unless something changes, we will no longer be playing.

Him: I’m really sorry to hear that she doesn’t like [this sport] anymore.  I hate that.

Me:  It is not [the sport].  She still loves [the sport].

Him: I hate that.  I really want every kid to love the game, and I hope that she will get over that and change her mind someday.

Me: Again, this is not about the game.  She loves the game, but she does not like to be bullied.

Him: I was afraid this would happen. 

{here is where I foolishly thought he was starting to see my point}

Him: About 3 weeks ago she was crying in practice.  The problem is that she is younger and smaller than the other girls, and she can’t keep up.

Me: She is the same age as [two teammates] and she is older than [two other girls].  She has always been small, and she has always excelled at [this sport].  Her age and her size are not the problem here. 

Him: Well I do hate to hear that.  I want every kid to love [the sport].  If there is anything I can do in the future…

Me: I keep telling you, she loves the game.  She does not love being called names.  This is not a game issue, this is a personality issue.  She is getting nowhere trying to be nice to [your daughter] and now I am getting no where trying to be civil to you.  We will try again with a different coach in the fall.

-click-

Is it just me, or was he really, really obtuse there?  Like, if burying your head in the sand were an Olympic Sport, he would be Apolo Ohno.   Or if ignoring a parent’s complaint was an amusement park, he would be Disney World.  Or if blaming other people for your child’s mistakes was an evil movie franchise, he would be Twilight. 

What the heck, dude?

I hung up the phone so angry I was shaking…and then I cried.  I always cry when I’m angry, and I hate that.  It seems so weak.  Because actually, I wasn’t feeling weak at all.  I was feeling like “Hey buddy, I know where you are going to be in 20 minutes, and I just might show up and whap you over the head with a frying pan.  Don’t mess with my kid.”

For the record, I did not do this.

I did, however, talk to 2 other parents with daughters on that team, and both are having the same issue.  In fact, one of the mothers ran a practice last week when he wasn’t there, and she said the girl was mean to everyone, her included. 

My beef isn’t that our kids don’t get along.  Believe me, as much as I hate it, I know that will happen.  And I know Annie will have to toughen up.  But at the same time, when you are in a position of authority over young children - i.e. coaching a team of 7/8 year old girls - I think you need to take responsibility for their behavior, and not allow name calling or bullying behavior.  Especially when it is your own child. 

I’m thinking of filing a complaint with the board.  Is that out of line?

So in summary, this week I learned that I don’t want my girls to be on a winning team.  Sometimes, a losing team is a good thing.  A team that knows that winning isn’t everything, and that having fun and being kind are more important than any scoreboard.  I want my girls to keep proper perspective about what matters in life.

Here’s a hint, coach man – it isn’t that undefeated record.

We’ve played with ‘the best’ – now we’re ready for the rest.

To see what others have learned, hop over to my friend Julie’s place!

The one where I go all Mom-crazy

There comes a time in every child’s life when they have to deal with a meanie. A bully. An unpleasant, difficult peer.

An 8-year-old jerkface, if you will.

Apparently for Annie, that time is now.

I. am. not. happy.

I’m kind of a warrior when it comes to my kids.  I can’t help it – I come by this naturally. In high school, our principal referred to my mom as ‘The Big Guns’ on more than one occasion.  Because if anyone so much as looked at one of her babies sideways, she’d have their head on a platter.

You might think that this would be embarrassing to a teenager.  I, however, was not embarrassed.  It felt fantastic to know that my mom had my back.  Also, I had more than one teacher with documented mental illness that seriously needed to find a new career path, so if my mom had to be the one to point that out, so be it.

[I hope that my daughters will appreciate this about me as well, since there's not a chance I'll stop any time soon.]

So enter the little punk that needs a good spanking girl who does not have nice manners. 

Honestly, Annie is a Pollyanna.  And overly dramatic. And often sensitive.

I take full responsibility for the Pollyanna thing. The melodrama comes from her father. Sensitivity? Not a clue.

So she’s never had to deal with a  mean girl before, and she’s ill-equipped.  She’s probably also more easily hurt than your average 7 year old who hasn’t been kicked in the gut before.

<sigh>

It doesn’t help that Annie is off-the-charts small for her age.  And this girl is more than a head taller, and bigger, and intimidating.  And when Annie tries to talk to her, the girl tells her she’s stupid.  She tells her to shut up.  She tells her she doesn’t care about her loose tooth. 

She tells her she doesn’t like her.

I’d like to tell the little girl exactly how I feel about her.  But that would be wrong.  And I’m supposed to be an adult.  And in theory, I should be ‘mature’ and ‘above that kind of behavior.’

I’m working on it.

In the meantime, I have no idea how to deal with this.  I’m torn between:

1. Helping Annie understand that you encounter mean people in life and you have to pray for them and find a way to toughen up and work through it
2. Leaving the extra-curricular activity where we encounter said girl, because Annie shouldn’t have to be anyone’s verbal punching bag in a supposedly fun activity
3. Telling the girl’s parents that they suck and their child is a mean, mean, mean little brat

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know. You don’t even need to tell me.

But I still want to.

And frankly, if I don’t get a favorable response from them when I address my concerns, I might just stoop that low.

Hopelessly Flawed – I warned you up front.