It’s quiet here. It’s always quiet here now. The silence that I once longed for seems overwhelming now. Too much. Unavoidable.
I turn the TV on but the chipper voices irritate me. ‘Why do the birds go on singing?’ I hum in my best Skeeter Davis imitation, and then that irritates me too.
Grooveshark. It never fails me. Much better.
I think about the friend who introduced me to Grooveshark, and how we don’t talk anymore. Not because there was a fracture, just because life leads people apart sometimes. Second time we’ve been led apart. This makes me sad too, and I decide that it’s a day full of sad and that the whole entire day will be sucky and sad until I get my babies back.
But that’s irritating. I’m not a wallower.
So I tug on my running shoes and hit the treadmill, ipod cranked loud to drown out the silence, and I vow to push on until I forget the sad.
Twelve minutes later I’m still sad. I wonder what they are doing. I wonder if Annie is absentmindedly sucking her thumb and if she’s going to need braces because she’s nine-and-a-half and she still can’t break the habit when she reads. I wonder if Catie has found a girlfriend in her class, because she so desperately needs a girl and the only kids she knew going in were boys. I wonder if that little twit is making Lilly cry again today. Mean kid who told her that her handwriting is messy and her hair doesn’t look pretty. I feel angry again and for the hundreth time I remind myself that it is not acceptable for me to kick a five year old and I pray for her instead, the guilty prayer of a mother whose first instinct was to kick a kindergartener.
I have a long way to go.
Linking up with Just Write today, because it seems like everyone I know is doing it and I was never a follower when I was younger and it was socially acceptable so I’m mumble-mumble years late and now I wanna jump off the bridge too.