Where I am now {Just Write}
It’s quiet here. It’s always quiet here now. The silence that I once longed for seems overwhelming now. Too much. Unavoidable.
I turn the TV on but the chipper voices irritate me. ‘Why do the birds go on singing?’ I hum in my best Skeeter Davis imitation, and then that irritates me too.
Grooveshark. It never fails me. Much better.
I think about the friend who introduced me to Grooveshark, and how we don’t talk anymore. Not because there was a fracture, just because life leads people apart sometimes. Second time we’ve been led apart. This makes me sad too, and I decide that it’s a day full of sad and that the whole entire day will be sucky and sad until I get my babies back.
This picture has nothing to do with anything, really, except I’ve always liked it, and it’s when they were all small enough to be with me always, and it was wonderful. Every moment, even the terrible ones. All wonderful.
But that’s irritating. I’m not a wallower.
So I tug on my running shoes and hit the treadmill, ipod cranked loud to drown out the silence, and I vow to push on until I forget the sad.
Twelve minutes later I’m still sad. I wonder what they are doing. I wonder if Annie is absentmindedly sucking her thumb and if she’s going to need braces because she’s nine-and-a-half and she still can’t break the habit when she reads. I wonder if Catie has found a girlfriend in her class, because she so desperately needs a girl and the only kids she knew going in were boys. I wonder if that little twit is making Lilly cry again today. Mean kid who told her that her handwriting is messy and her hair doesn’t look pretty. I feel angry again and for the hundreth time I remind myself that it is not acceptable for me to kick a five year old and I pray for her instead, the guilty prayer of a mother whose first instinct was to kick a kindergartener.
I have a long way to go.
Linking up with Just Write today, because it seems like everyone I know is doing it and I was never a follower when I was younger and it was socially acceptable so I’m mumble-mumble years late and now I wanna jump off the bridge too.
Tags: back to school, empty nest, just write
Just Write | Heather August 7, 2012
Facebook comments:
By Darcie, August 7, 2012 @ 11:22 am
I’ve missed your voice. I just clicked over to the EO to link up my post when lo and behold I saw a familiar button. I hope that one of the things that will break the silence of your new, lonely days is the clicking of your keyboard.
PS. On wanting to kick a kindergartener? Me too.
Darcie´s last [type] ..Where we’ve been
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By Soliloquy, August 7, 2012 @ 12:55 pm
I’ll jump with you.
Soliloquy´s last [type] ..Here Comes The ‘But’
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By Merrie, August 7, 2012 @ 5:16 pm
I’ve never been lucky enough to stay home with my kids full time until they went off to school, but I’ve wanted to kick Kindergarteners. First graders, too. And 2nd, 3rd, 4th, 5th… Naturally I haven’t done any kicking, and I do suggest the praying to my kids, but I know how you feel. I hope the sadness wears off and the opportunities to be happily busy kick in.
Merrie´s last [type] ..My First Cavalia Experience
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