On my heart today
If you need prayer, I might not be your girl.
Sounds terrible, right?
I don’t mean it to, honestly. I would be happy to pray for you, whatever burden you are carrying. The problem with me is, chances are, I’m not praying the way you’d like me to be praying.
On Wednesday nights, our church has ‘Go! night’, where folks break off into different teams. Some go out on home visits, some send cards to shut-ins, some have a bible study, and some pray for the prayer requests we have received. I’ve been going to the prayer group, but every week I first find myself praying about whether or not I belong there.
I don’t consider myself a prayer warrior. I pray fervently, but I also pray differently.
I question if different is better.
Many years ago, a tragedy struck our family. The kind that shakes you to your very core, and changes who you are forever. The kind of thing that is virtually unspeakable, because the words bring more pain than one can bear.
When we were in the midst of this, I cried. I sobbed with the kind of gut-wrenching wails that sound inhuman, and I prayed more and prayed harder than I ever have in my life. I was desperate, and terrified, and unable to do anything but pray. I begged for a different outcome. I begged for something to change. I pleaded for a miracle. As desperate people do, I asked that I be taken instead.
The outcome remained the same.
I was not taken.
And although I now have three beautiful daughters who would not be here had my ‘deal’ been accepted – I still mourn that loss.
I still can’t talk about it. Still can’t find the words to offer comfort to those who need it most.
I know that is selfish of me, and I am ashamed of that.
Hopelessly Flawed.
My faith was not shaken by this event. They say when tragedy strikes, it either destroys faith or makes it stronger. It made my faith stronger. But it also made me realize that I need to change the way I pray. Change the things that I pray for.
It isn’t easy to do. It’s human nature to pray for what we want.
Please God, help me find a better job.
Please God, let us get that new house we want.
And there’s nothing wrong with that, per se. The Bible does not tell you to keep your thoughts to yourself! Scripture tells us that God knows your heart. He knows your desires, your secrets, your burdens. He wants a relationship with you. He wants you to bring everything to Him – everything.
Yet I can’t seem to do that anymore. I’m not trying to hold back, but I am trying to reshape my heart.
I’m trying to let go of what I want, and want what He wants instead.
I don’t pray for a specific outcome anymore – I pray for His will to be done. I don’t pray for healing, I pray for courage. I don’t pray for a lighter load, I pray for a stronger back.
I feel bad about this sometimes. A friend will ask me to pray for something, and instead of praying for what they want, I pray for God’s hand to be in their situation. That isn’t exactly the same, is it?
I’m still weighing this, whether I should switch to a different team. And I’m still praying about it. And I’m still happy to pray for you, too.
Just as long as you can accept that we don’t always get what we want.
Tags: faith, grief, loss, mourning, prayer
Faith & Spirituality, Hopelessly Flawed Confessions | Heather April 21, 2010
Facebook comments:
By alberto, April 21, 2010 @ 10:07 am
“I pray for His will to be done”
great. I’m an italian atheist but i can understand what you mean. I’m on the 50s’ and i’m arguing if my life could be better: could i earn more? could i marry earlier? could i look for a better job, a better house… even… for a better wife or at less for being a better husband. But while i’m spreading my mind on it, i waste my time. I need a-changing.
[Reply]
By rebecca, April 21, 2010 @ 10:30 am
God’s path is always best, and if people realized this, they would be much more content in whatever the circumstance. I join you in praying for His will, not my own.
[Reply]
By Darcie - Such The Spot, April 21, 2010 @ 10:48 am
This was obviously a heartfelt post. A very well-written one at that.
Dare I disagree with you, though, in that you aren’t a prayer warrior. From the sounds of it, you most certainly are, whether you are praying for exactly what someone asks you to or not. In my view, if you are praying for someone–especially that God’s will be done in his or her life–then you are definitely acting in his or her best interests.
Reading this post gave me so much insight, friend, as to why we are such kindered spirits (I mean besides the political views and Disney connection, etc). We are spiritually so similar. The arrival of little miss Cassidy in my life opened my eyes to the realization that blessings don’t always come packaged the way we’d like for them to. And for about the last ten years I’ve taken the same approach to prayer that you have. It’s an approach that feels right to me because I’ve given up praying for the wants and taken instead to praying that His will be done.
I felt so “at home” reading this–as though I know exactly what you are saying. And–who am I to say so–but I think you are on exactly the right “Go!” team.
I love your heart. And I’m so blessed to call you friend.
.-= Darcie – Such The Spot´s last blog ..By The Light of the Moon =-.
[Reply]
By Tim Sayler, April 21, 2010 @ 11:06 am
Funny that you posted this, because when I was teaching our SS class this week I mentioned a quote from Martin Luther that says, “Prayer is not overcoming God’s reluctance, but laying hold of His willingness.” Everything–good and evil, joyful and sorrowful–is for God’s glory and our benefit. It’s a hard truth, but one that we should treasure. Thanks for sharing this, Heather!
[Reply]
By melanie, April 21, 2010 @ 3:09 pm
amen, heather. sometimes i am a spoiled child throwing a fit at my daddy’s feet. i want ice cream, but he insists i need broccoli. we need our friends to pray this way for us. if we love our friends, we will want God’s will for their lives. xo
[Reply]
By Jenny, April 21, 2010 @ 3:45 pm
I can completely understand this! I’ve found that praying this way makes my faith stronger. If we pray for an ideal outcome what happens when we don’t get it? Do we lose faith? If we pray for strength instead I think it will only improve our faith.
Similar to your post I’ve also allowed myself to sometimes be angry with God. When my dad died. When my son was in the NICU. When my daughter needed skull surgery. I trusted Him. But I still was angry. And I think that’s OK.
.-= Jenny´s last blog ..One Man’s Trash is Another Man’s…Rock? =-.
[Reply]
By Dana, April 21, 2010 @ 5:42 pm
Wow Heather I was so touched by what you wrote you know I do have to say that your praying method you got going on there is awsome i pray the same way you do if I ask GOD for that brand new house or car or whatever it is I feel so shelfish I mean he did give us his son ain’t that enough? I mean if you think about it would I give my son for you or others I can’t say I would but he didnt think twice about it. When I went through my cancer I always cought myself asking GOD why? why me? why did this have to happen? What are my kids going to do with out me? It is normal i think to ask God why. But when I got over all the questions I only found one thing out I was selfish to ask him why and started to thank him that it was me that got the cancer and not Darla or hydi or Chad.They say there is a reason for everything and I so beleave that. I beleive that he lets us go through things for a reason I dont know what your situation was but i will pray and ask god to help you deal with what ever you are going threw just like he did me.
[Reply]
By Amanda M., April 21, 2010 @ 6:42 pm
Beautiful post. So thoughtful. <3
.-= Amanda M.´s last blog ..Saying Goodbye…. =-.
[Reply]
By Eva, April 21, 2010 @ 10:13 pm
It reminded me a story of Jacob, when he went to Egypt to see his long lost son Joseph. I remember how humble his words were when he was talking about his place of burial. I think we need bad situations to simply learn how to fight and to become humble, to become smaller, and let Him grow bigger… Without it, how could He rule?
– Wordless Wednesday =-.
.-= Eva´s last blog ..Some wedding pics…
[Reply]
By tracyM, April 26, 2010 @ 6:58 am
Incredible post, Heather.
xoxo,t
.-= tracyM´s last blog ..The Stroke =-.
[Reply]