What I wish I could teach my husband
A man is not where he lives, but where he loves. ~Latin Proverb
I have, quite clearly, the best job in the world.
The pay is lousy. Nonexistent, one might say.
I’ll grant you that. But there is nothing more wonderful than being a mom. And I have some fantastic little girls.
Before we had kids, I worked outside the home. The house was tidy, I cooked all of our meals, and we had free time. And money. Now many of those things have disappeared. But my happiness has multiplied, and is found in unexpected places. I’ve always said that my mini-van is my status symbol – it screams success every time I see it. A tangible reminder that I have what I wanted my whole life. But there are other reminders as well.
Napkins that never quite stay in place,
doors that are never without little fingerprints,
drywall with nicks.
When I see this
it doesn’t look like a mess, it looks like art.
I’ve learned lessons along the way. Like when you wipe down handrails, don’t forget to do the underside.
I’ve learned not to bother sweeping the floor until the kids are tucked into bed.
And I’ve learned that a table’s beauty is not found in its perfection, but rather in its wear. The traces of glitter glue and marker add character. The scratches and dents are reflections of our life. Every groove, every missing bit of finish, every imperfection is part of our story.
I’ve also learned not to panic when someone ‘accidentally’ glues their craft to the table. It comes off.
When Catie took a crayon to the wall, I left it there. The days of scribbling on walls will be gone all too soon. I will spend many years of my life fondly missing the crayon years – another day or two on the wall won’t hurt.
It even helps. Reminds me of what is important (my girl) and what isn’t (my wall). That little red alien drawing in the basement stairwell made me smile every time I walked past it. Until yesterday, when it vanished.
You see, my husband is a neat freak.
6 years ago I bought this for our wall.
I treasure it. He is not amused.
He’s always straightening, organizing, cleaning, re-arranging. He never sits still.
While we’re stopping to smell the roses, he’s pulling weeds and planning to re-mulch.
If the girls want to play a game, I wipe off the table and spread it out.
He sweeps the floor under the table, washes the seat cushions, decides to remove the leaves from the table and clean between them, and then runs out of time to play a game because the kids have to go to bed.
It breaks my heart.
He’s missing out in a huge way, and I don’t know how to make him see that. The saying, ‘Can’t see the forest through the trees’ – well he isn’t living because he’s caught up in the details of life.
Is it possible to change someone? To give someone the gift of a new perspective? Is it possible for a control freak to let go of the reins?
I’m concerned about him. About how this affects the kids. About what it teaches them.
I’m concerned about the prospect of him going through life as an obligation instead of a blessing. And I don’t know how to help him.
For years I felt this was my own shortcoming. I readily admit I’m not a good housekeeper, so I believed that if only I did better, he’d be happier. One day my mom kept the kids so that I could clean the house from top to bottom. I worked my tail off for 10 hours and the place was spotless. I was beyond excited about it, and how happy I knew he’d be.
When he came home, he started scrubbing the inside of the kitchen cabinets.
I’ve told him since then that this was the day that I gave up. I accepted that I would never be good enough. I will never be able to make everything just right. I’ll never be able to make him happy.
We control our own happiness – I firmly believe that. Happiness is a choice. I wish I could teach him that.
I wish I could show him how to dance in the rain. How to count your blessings even when your world is crumbling. How to take joy in a messy car, because it’s a by-product of child rearing. How to love little socks scattered about, and muddy shoes on the porch. How to relax, even if the house is messy. How to relax, period.
We’re not romantic people, and Valentine’s Day, especially, is a day that means little to me. A bouquet of flowers today means less than it would the other 364 days of the year. We don’t typically exchange presents. But today, this is a gift I’d like to give him.
I’d like to teach my husband how to be happy.
Tags: happiness, teach my husband, the joy of a messy house
How I See the World, Life Lessons | Heather February 14, 2010
Facebook comments:
By cutiepiescards, February 14, 2010 @ 9:17 am
Oh boy do I get this… my house is just like yours, and i feel the same way. My DH is messy so I don’t have the issue there, but your DH sounds EXACTLY like my mom. Thats how I grew up. Begging her to play with me but she was too busy cleaning. I had no siblings to occupy me either (my older brother was 7 yrs older so I was home alone with mom a lot) My mom still comes in my house and starts tidying up things here and there. I don’t know if there is a way to change that wiring.
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By Becca - Our Crazy Boys, February 14, 2010 @ 12:50 pm
Awh, Heather. I often feel the same way about my husband, but I have to remind myself that somehow, in some weird way, this must be his happiness. I don’t like it. I don’t condone it. But I am accepting it. And in 20 years, when they are out the house, I’ll have boatloads of fun memories. Hopefully, I’ll remember to share them with him.
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By Cindy, February 14, 2010 @ 11:50 pm
Awww, your post is so beautiful…but also so sad.
Do you think you could print this out and give it to your hubby?
.-= Cindy´s last blog ..Getting to Know You…Valentine’s Day Style! =-.
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By Darcie - Such The Spot, February 15, 2010 @ 11:05 am
Oh friend, you expressed this sentiment beautifully. I have to admit to being much like Chris in this sense. For me, I couldn’t possibly be “happy” or “relaxed” if my surroundings were in shambles. So I do my best to find a happy medium. We do one major clean up night each week and try to stretch it out as long as possible. In between, yeah, there are crumbs etc, so I just do little spot cleaning here and there. That way, I’m left with time to read and snuggle and play red & blue cars and take the girls to shows and stuff. It works for us. I hope you guys can find something that works for you because you’re right, we do control our own happiness.
PS. I’m lovin’ your NaBloPoMo posts…
.-= Darcie – Such The Spot´s last blog ..Dripping Song =-.
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By Julie From Inmates, February 15, 2010 @ 4:37 pm
Girl. I know all too well what you speak of. Only, I’m the one that’s like that. I don’t think my neatness gets in the way of being a fun mommy, but I do know I’m a little excessive at times. McDaddy and I attended a marriage seminar this past weekend and we learned a lot about eachother through the flag page that we completed. I’m working on a blog post about it but in the meantime, if you’re interested, check out Laugh Your Way To A Happy Marriage dotcom. Make a flag page for each of you and print it off, it just might help you understand and make him more aware. Just a thought. I enjoyed this brutally honest post.
.-= Julie From Inmates´s last blog ..Ohno! Not Another List! =-.
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By Christina, February 16, 2010 @ 12:16 am
I loved this blog entry…
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By Amanda, February 16, 2010 @ 8:09 pm
This is so beautiful, Heather. There is always so much beauty in your writing.
I have to admit I am a bit like your husband in this sense. I have trouble just relaxing when everything’s cluttered or building to a big mess. I’ve gotten a lot better over the years (with the help of my husband), but it’s taken time for me to “let things go.”
.-= Amanda´s last blog ..Sweet, sweet baby…. =-.
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By mary @ simpleGAB, February 17, 2010 @ 10:31 am
Just like us less than stellar housekeepers cannot change to be perfect & still be happy, those born organized people just have to do their thing to keep them happy.
I lucked out, no neatniks here
.-= mary @ simpleGAB´s last blog ..Desktop Decluttering, Cleaning and Organizing =-.
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By heather, February 21, 2010 @ 8:00 pm
This post sure hit home with me as well. My husband is not a neat-nik. I wish he was, I could *almost* understand that. He just runs short on patience a lot of the time. It makes me so sad that he often can’t see the beauty of the moment and doesn’t realize that these days are precious and fleeting. It does my heart good when he will let the girls paint his toenails and style his hair (when he’s not planning on leaving the house LOL). All too often though- he is cranky and that just breaks my heart.
Has your husband read this blog entry? It’s beautifully written and, maybe just maybe, he might see the truth. If not, I hope that he and all the dads out there will one day figure it out.
.-= heather´s last blog ..Reconnecting with a friend who made me her "hero"! =-.
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By older wife, January 6, 2012 @ 8:56 pm
I’m sorry that your husband disappoints you. God, is a God of order and details (on the first day He…on the second day He…, too. He also has shown his other carefree side in the patterns of the giraffe, the way the details of the trees come together to make the jungles.
Sounds like that together with your husband, your marriage displays both qualities (order and carefree). Just some wisdom from experience…Embrace your differences before they can lead to resentment. Work/clean together on a negotiated compromise. Pray about it.
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